Nimrod Antal’s Predators

O Machete! Your trailer stole the show! I could barely think about Predators after seeing that. O Danny Trejo! You died so immediately in this one! Did you ask them to write you out so you could go film Machete? Smart move.

O Predators! Your director’s name is “Nimrod.” I’m sure you knew that. I don’t want to judge. I see an accent mark. It could be a perfectly legit name in other countries. But what was in your mind a year ago when you were signing all your faith and money over to a guy called “Nimrod?” Did that make you feel good? Feel like a good equal-opportunities employer now?

Nimrod aside, you are a better effort than the last brick in the Predator franchise (AVP). Though it is difficult to put a finger on why you were better. I think the race element has a lot to do with it. With a film as racially diverse as this (including two separate races of Predator) it becomes very pleasurable trying to predict the order of the slayings. Who next will be liquefied via lasers? The Russian? The Black guy? Who next will be impaled on a spear and paraded around? Who could predict the Mexican would be the first to go? Usually it’s the Asian. Though the film’s most popular Jew (played by Adrien Brody) makes it to the end – no surprises there.

I think your second most pleasurable element is your caricature of the convict. He really looks the part. I like that he wore his orange, prison jumpsuit to the jungle. I like that his weapon of choice is the shiv (not to mention he effectively uses said shiv to shank down a Predator). And I think his darkly comedic dialogue was easily the most skillfully written. Most skillfully? Well if not skill at least that written with the most flair. See convict saying (to paraphrase), “If I ever get ‘outta here I’m ‘gonna rape so many fine bitches.”

Has anyone else asked you about Laurence Fishburne? For instance how someone who has been scavenging on a treacherous, Predator game preserve remains so chunky? Sort of an inconsistency, don’t you think? Laurence – you have really let yourself go since Morpheus. Are you bulking up for something? Maybe to play Chubby Checker in a biopic? Chubby Checker – it’s just a name. Not actually that chubby. Are you and Val Kilmer teaming up to do a feature-length presentation of “The Biggest Loser?” Otherwise you baffle me.

Predators you are nothing new to cinema. But that doesn’t mean you won’t make someone a very nice video game someday . . . $3

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About fatkidslist
The Fan’s Guide to Avoiding Movies that Suck Eggs and Shelling Out the $5 for Movies that Will Make Your Day

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