Black Swan

Take it from a girl who’s gone through the shit storm of the ballet world – this movie is amaaaazingly accurate! Not that it had much competition. The only other two ballet movies people know are pretty retarded. The Red Shoes is so old its biggest selling point was the movie had technicolor. I mean, it’s right there in the freakin title. The storyline didn’t exactly stand the test of time: the ginger has to choose between her love for a man and her love for dancing. When, tell me, when has that ever been an actual choice in the history of the universe? Before I moved to New York to start auditioning, I took the $35 left in my boyfriend’s wallet and the keys to his truck. Easiest decision of my life. The only other ballet movie people know is that Neve Campbell one directed by Robert Altman, The Company. I know you didn’t watch it, so I won’t pretend I did either. What is Neve Campbell doing today? Scream 4? — And that Altman guy? Deader than the nerve endings of my big toes.

Black Swan is about a super princessy ballet dancer played by Natalie Portman who has been waiting since way before her first period to get the lead role in Swan Lake. She’s got the swan embroidered throw pillows on her baby pink sheets to prove it. You’d think this is exactly the kind of girl I would hate, but the movie uses Portman to show exactly how much ballerinas give up to be great artists. Portman still lives with her family, doesn’t go out unless to find inspiration for her dancing, and never ever eats cake. Those are pretty good rules to live by if you need to save your pennies in this economy. Me? I’m living with eleven other ballerinas in a loft full of bunk beds and every day I pick up a clump of hair in the drain that you would swear came out of a dying cat. Granted, Natalie Portman isn’t a real dancer so behind all that MTV editing the technique is just so-so, but the girl did “train” ten months to get her rib cage to pop out like that. All those shots of her hovering over a toilet must have been real easy to get. Aspiring dancers looking to fit into a smaller leotard should really pay attention; its all about frequency, girls.

The real conflict of the movie comes when Portman realizes that in order to play the Swan Queen she has to become a bitch. Otherwise, the other women in the movie – rival Mila Kunis, overbearing mom Barbara Hershey – are gonna seriously out-bitch her. Unfortunately the only person around to support Portman’s realization is her director played by Vincent Cassel. This is Cassel resurrected from La Haine, except instead of waving a gun around, this time Cassel is intimidating exclusively with his dick. To complete her transformation into bitchdom on stage, Portman needs to both want dick and fear it. The movie is no slouch about reminding you what is important. If Portman’s crotch or boobs aren’t in the shot, you can bet a big spandex bulge will be. There is just so much dick wagging in this movie, they finally had to include a hot lesbian sex scene in there just to balance it all out. That was cool with me. Everyone goes through a phase, yeah? Point is, Portman overcomes both dick and boobs and becomes the best she can be!!!

I really hope that this movie inspires a lot of little girls out there that ballet is a really really cool thing to dedicate your life to. The younger generation needs to understand that obsession is the only way to get anywhere ultimately. You can ignore a lot of the ending of the movie when things go wrong for the poor girl. Like all good ballet, if you take away all the clothes, make-up, pain, trauma, and metaphor, it’s just about girls having a good time, all the time. See ya at auditions, ladies! — $10

xoxo — tiaragirl1991


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Red

Say what?!! Hella seenya-ass citizens trying a be assassins? Damn Bruce Wilits you ain’t got no range son. Every movie I seen you in you some kind a assassin or cowboy cop. Fax is: Bruce Wilits just loves a be killing niggas off. All that fool knows how to do. Die Hard? Jackal? Nine Yards? And now this Red shit and Wilits still be choking niggas off. You old as hail Bruce – don’t you stop? Bruce, I think you just obsessed wif death yo. Six Senses. Unbreak Yoself. Pup Fiction. You sliced a nigga in haff in that one! You need a get yourself checked by a doctor or a priest or some shits. Or something son!! You need a look on the sunny-side up! Your Moonlighting days is over for truth.

Yo Red why is Morgan Freeman tha first to die? Cause he’s Black?!! You didn’t kill tha Russian and we hate Russians. You didn’t kill Retard Lennie from Mice or Men. Why is it no one else in tha gang got took out? And Morgan you ain’t even go out in a badass way dawg. No kind a blaze a glory or anythang. Just shot dead in some impostors coat. Like, damn . . .

So dis movie sore a boring ya’lls. You seen this shit been done before only wife younger, cooler cats. It’s basically James Bond meets Grumpy Old Men. Or Salt meets Tha Golden Girls. Or Tha Fif Element meets Shawshank Redemption. Except Morgan dies so it’s sadder. So maybe is more like Mr. Holland’s Opus meets In the Line a Fire. So yea dis movie sucks but damn Mary-Louise Parker you fit as hail!! What you want with old-ass, death-obsessed Bruce Wilits for? Prolly for him to get chubby he needs to get medicated as a mothafucker. Roll wit me girlfriend . . . $3

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