Thor

Thor wasn’t going to be worth writing about.  Then I found out that numb nuts at Rotten Tomatoes gave this piece of shit 78%.  That means it was actually “fresh”.  The horror! I didn’t want to write a review because the list of failures in this movie would be too exhausting and a bit trite.  The negativity I bring to these reviews is tiring. I blame Rotten Tomatoes for this one – they FORCED me to write this one with that damned rating.

Cast and Acting
Chris Hemsworth as Thor was a terrible mistake.  He must have sucked some dick to get that role.  How could he get past any auditions with that silly voice?  Why are you talking like that!?  You sound like prepubescent boy trying out his “large man” voice in a school production of King Lear.  I don’t even know what Thor is supposed to be like in the comics, but I know what bad acting looks like – and Hemsworth displays it without shame.  The combination of writing and Hemsworth resulted in an entirely uninteresting hero with weak-ass superpowers.

Thor’s brother, Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t have been so bad, except that some doofus make-up artist decided to make him look like Snape.  The evil-brother-role was a little bit over-done with the cancer-pale skin tone and jet black greasy hair – especially in comparison to the brazen golden locks of Thor.  Ya make it kinda obvious where the plot is going.  Nothing to say about Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, and Kat Dennings – waste of talent on this movie, but they neither made the movie better or worse off.

Story line
None to speak of.  There’s a pathetic love story that’s got no heart, but who watches an action movie for plot? It’s all about the action. So… see below.

Action
Action sequences were awful! He’s got a fucking hammer that he throws! I didn’t even know what superpowers he had – that definitely needed explanation. While he seemed to be pretty strong and had this awesome hammer, he could also generate weather or something? But he couldn’t do shit without that stupid hammer – so lame. THEN, there was this action scene that really drove me nuts.

***** Spoiler Alert! *****

Okay, now that you’ve been warned about the spoiler.  Thor almost dies by the backhand slap of a robot.  Absolutely no fighting foreplay. Thor just steps up to the robot and tries to persuade the robot with some words.  BAM! Backhand slap knocks him off the feet, left to die.  Somewhere and somehow, Thor’s heart miraculously changes (like a scene from Beauty and the Beast) and this hammer comes to save him.

Visual Appeal

If the movie has shitty actors, a shitty plot, and shitty action – I would at LEAST think it would have some stunning visual effects.  Right?  NO!  You will get nothing cause this movie is worthless.  The ugly CGI hurt my eyes and the costume design was cheesy (again, reminding me of a school play)… $0

I’ve never seen these movies, but they also seem like terrible action movies, so you might like them.  Yolkie’s Recommendations:
Daredevil
Elektra
Hulk 

Side commentary about movies today.  While I was on Rotten Tomatoes checking out the rating for Thor, I got a glimpse at the top box office hits in our nation.

77% Thor $65.7M
78% Fast Five $32.4M
52% Jumping the Broom $15.2M
15% Something Borrowed $13.9M
72% Rio $8.5M
59% Water for Elephants $6.1M
41% Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family $4.2M
51% Soul Surfer $2.3M
40% Prom $2.2M
11% Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs Evil $2.0M

Bridesmaids

Funny movie.  I laughed out loud a few more times than I expected to.  Judd Apatow strikes again in his Superbad and 40 year old virgin style of raunchy comedies with Bridesmaids.  However, was it really as good as female version of Superbad or 40 year old virgin?  not quite….I agree with the other review re: Rotten Tomatoes.  There’s something wrong with the methodology of just allowing for Yes-Fresh and No-Rotten out of all the reviewers, then compiling them to figure out what the percentage is.  I mean, nearly 90% fresh for fast five in the first week?  even 89% fresh for bridesmaids? really?

Oh the genius of Kristen Wiig.  She can be so charming and believable and awkward and funny all in the same 20 minutes.  I really liked her as a character even with all her crazy-person flaws…..You know Loren Michaels, who produces Saturday Night Live, once said she was the one of the top 3 or 4 performers of all time for SNL.  Don’t believe me?  Check it out here.

Favorite parts of the movie were actually Melissa McCarthy, who plays Megan, one of the bridesmaids, and Rebel Wilson, Annie (Kristin Wiig)’s insane roommate.  Incredibly funny, definitely stole some of the best moments of the film.

All in all, a good enjoyable flick, probably the best comedy I’ve seen in a while….$7

If you heart Bridesmaids:

Recommendations by …
Pineapple Express
40 Year Old Virgin
Superbad

Adrienne Shelly’s Waitress

For those who enjoy Woody Allen flicks for their fresh, often affirming view of infidelity – but don’t enjoy them because they think Woody himself is crusty and a lecher – Adrienne Shelly’s Waitress should be on your list. No film that I’ve seen recently has handled the issues of unhappy marriage and impending motherhood in a more fascinating or satisfying way. And few films are more devoid of Woody Allen. I’m pretty sure Woody has never even heard of Waitress. He has been pretty busy seducing far younger women, far fresher-faced women than exist in the Waitress world.

I know you’re thinking Felicity is looking pretty old and haggard these days and it pisses you off because it makes you realize how old and haggard you yourself are getting (unless you are a man, men age like wine, women age like fruit). But you know, the old gal has picked up some fairly impressive acting chops along her way. Which should cheer you up because it goes to show, you can teach an old dog new tricks. New tricks which include an authentic white-trash, Southern accent (authentic as far as I can tell, I don’t actually know as I never consort with white-trash unless I need to buy something from Walmart).

The most impressive thing about Waitress is not the actor from Firefly. He isn’t bad, but I couldn’t figure out if he wasn’t trying to inflect his performance with a mild form of retardation. Which makes sense because 1) they only make retards doctors if the only other people available are white-trash Southerners and 2) most doctors don’t fall in love with white-trash Southerners unless they are either Mormon or mentally handicapped in some profound way. Do you think you have this movie figured out? You don’t. You don’t have a fucking clue.

Waitress is most impressive because of its ability to surprise you in about a thousand delightful ways. You think you have these characters pinned just because they talk funny and their clothes look like they were bought at Kid Rock’s garage sale? Well you fucking don’t. Fewer than 1% of films being made today have less cliche characters than waitress. Just when you think this movie is going to go Leo and Shelly from Twin Peaks – you are pulled into a moment far more vulnerable, far more daring. For people of my generation The Princess Bride is the perfect film for its novelty, its quirkiness, and its nostalgia. I have a pretty good feeling the warmth and the sincerity of Waitress are going to win over a new generation of viewers . . . $8

If you heart Adrienne Shelly’s Waitress:

Recommendations by Quispy
The Good Girl
Whatever Works
8 Women


Samuel L. Jackson’s African Cats

Awh shit say whut? Yo Afrikan Kats is bawler yo! Theez Lionz and Cheatas and Leotards and shit is just like real people! First a all, this girl lion, called Nilla or something, had a babygirl she called Mara. She gotz that from fucking this ugly mothafuckin lion called The Fangs. The Fangs was fucking all kinds of bitches in his hey day like I think about nine of them, I sort a lost count. That wuz pretty pimp cuz they were all sisters too, twins! So it wuz kinky as shit! Pretty kinky orgy going down in those high bushes.

Anyway Nilla was taking Mari down to the mud flap to drink and this alligator roze up like, “what’s up muthafuckas?! You know how I do down at this watering ho!” And they was like, “Oh shit!!” So The Fangs had to step up, be like, “I’ll smoke you nigga. Big, mothafuckin Jabroni scrub mothafucka.” And eventually the gator wuz like, “yo you prolly all taste like shit anyway – face!”

Meanwhile this otha cat called Cali was like, “Damn! I gotta get a piece a that!” So he had hella posse and he rolled up all heavy and shit, “The Fangs, you Bogarting all tha punani playa.” And then he tried a rape those bitches. And then he made this mean-ass face and tha music got all evil and shit. And The Fangs bounced like, “Oh shit, I don’t even know who those bitches are, peace out!!” And girl lionz had to step up and rectify that shit nigga. Like, “Ya’ll think you can eat our babies? R Babies? Foot in yr asses!” But then Nilla got killed yo. And I cried like, “What?!” and threw my popcorn on the floor like word up you know what I saying.

Anyhow part 2 and Cali eventually does eat all their babies and basically fucks all of The Fang’s old ladies. He was dancing hella sweat. And after that he was pimpin North Side, South Side, like pay up, pay up niggas. Eventually Mara was let back into the pride, she just had to let Cali fuck her. That’s how that nigga rollz.

Anyhow the shit mos def amazing about Afrika’s Kats is about when you think about those niggas who went out to film this shit yo. I mean they got everythang!! Niggas had these crash close-ups of The Fangs ballz yo. You be like, were you under hiz ballz player? How’d you get that nutsack shot? Or this one scene where Cali is boning down player on all a The Fang’s hos and Cali wuz like, “Scuse me one second” and he went to take a shit, he was hella mud butt! And I wuz like damn! You mothafuckas waited in the high grass and shit and snakes like 9 hourz so you could a get Cali taking a shit – you crazy!

And how did they know their names?!! Like theez lionz they got names like Kalifa and Rodney and Marmet and all that, son. These niggas got deep into the bush on this 1. And the narrator seemed bawler yo. I think he wuz that nigga in Deep Blue C that got ate!! Yo takeaway point is if you liked The Lion King you should def. watch this shit hear. It’s basically the live-action sequel . . . $5

If you heart Samuel L. Jackson’s African Cats:

Recommendations by Gun-Ray
What’s Up, Tiger Lily?
The Adventures of Milo and Otis
The Lion King

Justin Lin’s Fast Five

I have discovered the key to watching and enjoying the fast and furious series is to go in with no expectations.  Because I had no expectations going in, it blew them away. Of course, I was comparing to the previous Fast and Furious, and this was head and shoulders above those, but that’s not terribly hard.   Granted you absolutely have to maintain suspension of disbelief, as tiny cars overturn giant armored buses and haul enormously heavy steel encased safes across miles of city road, but if you believe that Vin Diesel and Paul Walker somehow have the capability of doing that without accidentally killing anyone, then you’re set.

Justin Lin has come a long way from Better Luck Tomorrow.  This movie is jam packed with nitrous filled  large moving vehicles inexorably and inevitably crashing into each other at explosively high speeds, hot girls being able to drive AND tune up/tear down vehicles and master incredibly complex military-grade software and beefy big guys slamming on brakes and getting into fights.  Oh yeah, and tons of gun fights with ridiculously large weapons.  In rio.  In other words, it’s a teenage boy’s wet dream.  But, it’s actually also strangely enjoyable for many of those not in that particular target demographic.

You know, one thing I was surprised about was the lack of high speed car chases that were in the other films.  And yes, in order to do research and prepare myself for the movie, I watched the first two movies.  I realized afterwards it would have been helpful to at least watch fast and furious (number 4) in the series as well.  It’s not 100% necessary, but it helps in terms of understanding the background of the story.  And know the characters.  Cuz fast five is all about the all-star cast getting together for a dumber, more violent. ghetto-er version of Ocean Eleven-style heist in Rio de Janiero, with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker as the George Clooney and Brad Pitt characters respectively.  Yeah, it wasn’t so believable to me either.  They even have the pair of dumb squabbling brothers who liked to do more of the technical stuff.

That said, it did have a number of redeeming factors that were maybe a notch better in this version of the elaborate heist.  First of all, eye-candy.  Paul Walker and Tyrese….HOLLAH!!!  I’m not a Vin Diesel/the Rock type of gal myself, but if you’re into that, there’s a lot of that action goin on too.  Secondly Vin Diesel and the Rock square it off, which to me, was the best part of the movie.  I always kinda thought they were the same person, and to see them duke it out on the big screen was just kind of trippy honestly.  I kept saying to myself, wait which one is winning now?  They’re both just so big!  Like Vin Diesel’s arms are like tree trunks, but then standing next each other gives you an idea of exactly how MASSIVE the rock is.  Gianormous.

So in other words, if you can ignore the obvious inconsistencies with the laws of physics, plot holes, predictable story-line and 2-dimensional characters, and focus just on the incredible action-packed sequences and on-screen eye candy, it can be an enjoyable experience and in all honesty, probably one of the better action films for the summer….$5

Recommendations from …:
Oceans Eleven
Fast and Furious Series
Bourne Identity

P.S. In addition to making sure you watch Fast and Furious 1, 2, and 4 before watching Fast Five, I recommend staying through the credits if you do watch Fast Five.  I don’t necessarily know if it’s worth it per the press about it being a big surprise, but it’ll probably help if you ever plan on watching Fast Six.

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