Harry Potter & the Deathlier Hallows

Harry Potter died in his sleep. People say that is the most desirable way to go. I think that is because the dying person is under no obligation to put up a good fight. Putting up a good fight sounds like a painful endeavor. Putting up a good fight also implies a person must ultimately succumb to the inevitable. No one would say, Harry Potter put up a pretty good fight against that serial rapist, and as a result of pretty good fight he avoided being raped. No. The correct conclusion based on that diction is, Harry Potter put up a pretty good fight, gouged the rapist’s eye, clawed at the rapist’s cheek, bit the rapist’s hand, but ultimately sustained severe anal injuries as a result of his brutal rape-attack. If a person is attacked in their sleep they are not even consciously aware a pretty good fight is warranted. They cannot be held responsible for suffocating or being maimed or shot through a pillow. It is difficult to determine whether dying in your sleep is a cowardly act or not. Certainly wishing so is cowardly. There is also the matter of pooping in the pants following. But that is a matter of all dying – cowardly or brave. Amy Winehouse died in the most desirable way as far as I can tell. So much joy was pumping through her veins her fucking heart exploded.

The point is Harry Potter has a message and that is it doesn’t matter how much power a person possesses. Doesn’t matter how much suffering they have endured, how many loved ones have been sacrificed. It doesn’t matter if you are chosen or unchosen. It doesn’t matter if there is magic in your life or not. You will still end up a gross old schmuck with modest clothes and ugly sideburns. You will still end up with a big, fat wife and cowardly children. You will end up on a train platform with your equally unimpressive friends crying tears onto the heads of their retarded children. Harry Potter ultimately embraces what is ordinary and pathetic and boring at the core of human existence. And that is what makes Harry truly heroic. Anyone can seem heroic chopping heads and battling wizards and slinging dwarfs and waving his flaccid wand around. But only Harry Potter can make achieving the very average, the very center of the curve, seem like an immensely difficult and heroic act . . . $5

If you heart Harry Potter and the Deathlier Hallows:

Recommendations by Cheet Cheet
Hayao Miyazaki’s Spirited Away
Timur Bekmambetov’s Night Watch
Guillermo del Toro’s Hellboy

Stephen Anderson & Don Hall’s Winnie the Pooh

Winnie smells Oscar blood. He smells it like a wounded animal. Or a botched diaper someone forgot to lock in the steel, bear-proof drum. He smells that Oscar diaper. And it is pungent. It is as though its owner ate nothing but KFC extra-diarrhea hot for a month, then pulled a Lisa Nowak, driving across country, saving up her radioactive diarrhea in a single, panty-shaped Tupperware stinking with jealousy and mental illness. Winnie has an incredibly keen sensibility for fortune arriving around the corner. He is practically a fortune teller of diaper contents and Oscar nominations.

Winnie transformed his body for this role. Formerly a chiseled, 7-foot-high, stage-racing bicyclist – he spent two years on the Dungeons & Dragons circuit to perfect the sallow complexion, gnarled teeth, and the flabby, unappealing physique. He removed twenty-six bones from his legs and lower torso and crushed the digits in his hands until they resembled webbed, hand-like patties. He reviewed hundreds of other films portraying diverse species of retard such as I Am Sam, Forrest Gump, Of Mice and Men, Rain Man, Billy Madison, and pretty much anything involving Jack Black.

He is a perfect embodiment of the original Pooh-bear (the original-original having died of diabetes during the 1980s). But he is actually cold and ambitious on the inside. Despite the frumpy and child-like exterior, he is a soulless and carnivorous beast. He wants that Oscar. He is willing to kill people for it (including Piglet). He is willing to do blowjobs. He is willing to sneak into your house wearing a ski mask and steal your most beloved stuffed animal. Then collage a ransom note using various unidentifiable magazines and include it with a Polaroid of your stuffed animal crying and holding up the daily paper. His ambition makes for a bold and gritty performance. Every emotional tenor is struck to perfection – sadness, happy, empty belly. He transforms into the epitome of faithful, selfless friend. No easy feat for a man with no friends, caring for no person, and living in Superman’s ice castle.

I say he deserves the Oscar. And I’m not just saying so because he stole my Tickle Me Elmo and has been mailing me his red fluff for a week. I’m saying that because it’s the gosh-damn truth. No one could embody more Pooh than this Pooh. He is the lord of the Pooh order. Also some very sweet and pretty songs by the lovely wife of the guy from Death Cab for Cutie . . . $7

If you heart Winnie the Pooh:

Recommendations by Cheet Cheet
The Adventures of Milo and Otis
A Goofy Movie

Horrible Bosses

photo by aceshowbiz.com

If I could sum this movie up in ONE word, it would have to be: “meh”

There’s an incredible amount of comedic talent in Horrible Bosses: Charlie Day, Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, and Jennifer Aniston (yes, she CAN be funny).  Sometimes this happens when you have too much talent in a movie, you think that talent will cover up the lack of creativity or a need for good writing.

I did get some good chuckles in. But I couldn’t get over the outlandish plot turns. I don’t expect anything to be believable when I step into a movie theater, but I want to be courted into the movie’s suspension of disbelief.

photo by even without popcorn.wordpress.com

The three main dudes: Sudeikis, Day, and Bateman are pretty much the same characters they play in any other movie/TV show (except that Sudeikis is uncomfortably sleazy).  That’s not really a complaint, these guys are aces.  Especially Charlie Day.  As each day passes, my love for this man grows stronger and deeper. He’s so goddamn lovable – I want to tell the whole world to watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Hands down one of the best shows on TV.  I’d put it up there with Arrested Development.  Actually, it has some strong parallels with Arrested Development – a family of despicable, bickering fools with black holes for hearts.  Only there’s a huge class divide between these two families – I kind of like that the folks in It’s Always Sunny are working class, because it lends them to do things like dumpster diving, trying to get welfare, and making friends with bums under the bridge.

I digress. The best thing about Horrible Bosses was the closing credits… $4

Yolkie’s recommendations:

If you liked this movie, you might like these other mediocre comedies that are similarly forgettable:
Date Night
Cedar Rapids 
The Switch 

If you didn’t like this movie, you might like these:
It’s Always Sunny in Philadephia
The Hangover 
Pineapple Express 

Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon

Transformers: More than meets the eye.  Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon, also known as a very very long action sequence.  Man, I had to pee like 1 hour into the movie and almost died as I tried to hold it almost 2 hours later.  Enjoyable, not really much to talk about except the 3D portion almost made me pee in my pants, partly because it was exciting and realistic special effects, probably also mostly because I just really had to pee and the movie was ridiculously long.

Shia LeBeouf seems like an ass, not so different from the over-pumped teenage twerp he plays in the first two movies, and well the transformers are machines so did you really expect any character development there?  he gets a new girl, blond ex-Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitley, who is actually, if you can believe it, even more flat of a 2 dimensional character than Megan Fox was in the first two, and not half as hot, but still way hotter than you’d think a dude like Shia LeBeouf could score.  AND he’s supposed to be her American sex toy or something……?!?!?

The twist in this movie is a giant American cover-up of the moon’s landing, which is a smidgen more cleverer than the first two movies that highlighted just explosions and destruction, but similar to the previous two, the main reason to watch is for the special effects, not the character development, plot, or dialogue cuz there really isn’t any to speak of.  That said, special effects are cool, I have a special place in my heart for Transformers in any case…

If you want to watch a movie, not have to think, and just drift away with the onslaught of action-packed 3D sequences and not hate the movie, this movie is for you, I just suggest visiting the restroom before the movie.  If you’d prefer to be wowed and intrigued by the movie, go elsewhere…$4

If you heart Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon:

Recommendations by…
Fast Five

J.J. Abrams’s Super 8

There is not much to deter audiences from watching Super 8 this summer. There is friendship, suspense, young love, even a black doctor to dispel rumors floating that Super 8 was maintaining an exclusively white cast. The only hitch for moviegoers is they will almost certainly be subjected to the Larry Crowne preview. Larry Crowne or How I Learned to Stop Loving Julia Roberts and Start Calling Tom Hanks a Hasbeen. The trailer for LC is the cinematic equivalent of Magic Johnson getting AIDS – basically the most shameful and degrading method of signaling an end to a bright career. The LC trailer is literally the worse thing I’ve ever seen and I once saw a police officer rub a retarded child in honey and ants. I once saw Cameron Diaz rape a homeless Chinese man. And even then I chuckled.

As stated, it is unlikely Super 8 will face much opposition on its way to becoming the American summer blockbuster of 2011. Green Lantern (or as I like to call it – Retarded Avatar) will certainly muster no objections. Neither will the likes of Thor, Pirates, Transformers, Twilight or any other in the parade of unwarranted and predictable summer features. Why do children and teenagers become dramatically more mentally handicapped over summer vacation? Is it the mind-numbing heat? The lack of schooling? The repetition of a customer service job? The enforcement of high-cost, low-quality cinematic franchises upon younger audiences? Drug dealers?

Whatever it may be – movie studios aren’t helping matters during the summer. There is a marked drought of meaningful flicks over the period of late-May until September. Which is why Super 8 comes as a remarkable surprise – a giant among dwarf babies. Part monster movie. Part government conspiracy. And most importantly about how friendships between children can be the most fiercely loyal and remarkable. Pretty much the best child-actor performances I’ve seen since Stand By Me (excluding Tree of Life which exists on another plain of film-making). And the most inventive and efficient storytelling this summer . . . $10

If you heart Super 8:

Recommendations by Quispy
Bong Joon-ho’s The Host
Stand By Me
Close Encounters of the Third Kind

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