Your Highness

Fresh off an Oscar nomination for James Franco and Oscar win for Natalie Portman, both, alongside Danny McBride from the hilarious mini-series Eastbound and Down, star in the newest Universal comedy, Your Highness, and exemplify how you can pick a great movie one day and your next can be a total, utter dud.  This was the worst movie I have seen in theaters in a really really really really long time.  The only reason I sat in my seat and stayed for the entire thing is literally so I could give a completely objective opinion on this blog and check if there were any redeeming parts to the movie.  There weren’t.

Have you ever seen a comedy where you were just dumbfounded because you couldn’t figure out what was funny and the entire audience had scattered nervous giggles because people are just so uncomfortable?  yup, that was us yesterday.

Question: When did rape and child molestation become something that was funny? Oh, never, that’s right.  Ok, I’m actually totally a fan of some forms of shock humor, Sarah Silverman, for example, I think is hilarious though a lot of people find her offensive.  This movie was just not funny, not well written, and not even that well executed.

To give credit where credit is due, I felt that the main cast did as much as they could with what they were given.  They just didn’t have that much to work with.  Which I completely puzzled by because Danny McBride was one of the executive producers.  Danny!  You’re so funny in Eastbound and Down!  What happened?  Did you have some deep intestinal pain, a hernia perhaps, that pained you so much that you couldn’t channel your inner funny man?  Were you so high and wasted that you didn’t bother checking to see if your comedy was actually funny?  Did anyone actually read the script before joining this cursed mess?  I just completely do not understand what happened, how so much fell through the cracks with such a palate of talented actors…$1

You likely won’t heart Your Highness but in the spirit of providing recommendations

Recommendations from …:
Pineapple Express
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Stuck on you

Grown-ups

Netflix told me that I would enjoy this exactly 1.5 stars.  I thought to myself, now that seems a little harsh, I don’t think I’ve ever even rated anything one star yet on Netflix, this is mainly because I tend to self-select on things I like.  In retrospect, I should have listened to Netflix.  Grown-ups is just about one of the worst movies I’ve seen in the last year.  So many good things going for it too, great cast, I absolutely love Adam Sandler, and am a fan of Chris Rock and David Spade as well (though haven’t seen either of them for a while).  The cover is funny.  Pudgy adult men men slide down a water slide.  Ingenious.

But I think the fatal flaw of this movie is that it is trying to be too much.  It tries to relate some serious message of how kids aren’t really kids anymore or something, while unsuccessfully trying be funny.  In addition, this film assumes from the get go that we are “in” on all the insults, when the jokes themselves are just inside jokes of making fun of each other not even in a very original or funny.  Unfortunately it all ends up netting out to a film that is very unfunny and very very boring.

The worst part of the whole movie is that the moral of the story isn’t even that great.  The hero, Adam Sandler, is this exceedingly successful Hollywood agent, who has ungrateful spoiled children, and a hot fashionista snobby wife, Salma Hayek.  His other 4 other friends who have not done as well for themselves financially. He is totally unlikeable in the beginning and gets only marginally more likeable throughout the movie, ordering around his maid and yelling to some poor chump on the phone, to pretending his maid/nanny is actually an exchange student cuz he’s embarrassed that she’s around?  The plot culminates to a basketball game where the hero purposefully throws a game he could have easily won in order to give a victory to this guy he feels sorry for, because the other guy is sore about game they lost 30 years ago and works as a short order cook as a townie pizzeria and somehow “needs” the victory more.  Talk about seriously condescending and this is somehow supposed to redeem him or something for being an asshole the rest of the time?  If you’re confused, believe me, I’m right there with you.

You’d think with so much comic genius they would have been able to put something half-assed together, but it’s not smart or slap stick or goofy or anything.  It just is.  and it is for far too long.   It was one of those movies that made me think, holy crap, I paid practically nothing for this since it was part of my streaming netflix deal, yet that was clearly too much, and definitely one of those movies where you wish you could just get your two hours back….$1

If you heart Grown-ups

Recommendations from …:
Spanglish
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Click

Little Fockers

Alright, so I think the funniest quote I have seen about Little Fockers is the following:

“‘I bet the Robert DeNiro of ‘Taxi Driver’ would shoot the Robert DeNiro of “Little Fockers””

Or really Robert DeNiro of any other movie.  Seriously.  This movie was not that funny.  I mean, honestly, I didn’t really go in expecting a ton, but it’s the same stale jokes, that were funny the first time around, but not as funny the third time around.  Character development: none.  Everyone was just annoying as hell.  Ok, so I admit, a few chuckles here and there, but based on the star-studded cast, holy crap this movie was way overpaid for.

Jessica Alba, as always, was hot, but her character is RIDICULOUSLY annoying, so not a great addition to the already overpaid cast.  Which is amazing cuz honestly I love Jessica Alba.  Like Dark Angel Jessica Alba was totally someone I wanted to be friends with.  She was chill, hot, and a genetically engineered killing machine.  A good friend to have.

But back to the movie, it wasn’t great, wasn’t as terrible as Last Action Hero, so all in all, I rate it a $1 movie…

If you heart Little Fockers:

Recommendations from …:
Meet the Parents
Meet the Fockers
Tropic Thunder

Christopher Guest’s For Your Consideration

After finding out that Christopher Guest had a new film out with the same cast as he always does (how the hell did I miss that he had a movie out after A Mighty Wind?!) I hurriedly moved it up to 1st in my queue in Netflix.  Another movie with Catherine O’Hara and John Krasinski?  What joy! What bliss! I love them both.  I did a little research before because I thought it was weird this movie had been released in 2006 and I had never heard of it.  hm. 10M dollar budget?  hm. only 6M in box office world wide. not a good sign.

And found out afterwards I should have followed my gut instinct that there was something a little off about this film.  This movie falls far short of expectations.  Granted I have high expectations because Christopher Guest is brilliant and hilarious, and his acting honestly was pretty great.  I can never figure out until I’ve been staring at him for like 10 minutes which guy is Christopher Guest, he changes so dramatically from film to film.  But the rest of the plot was long and boring, with the key characters not as exaggerated or developed as in his other films.  I mean, waiting for guffman, I loved all the characters, their weird quirks…these same actors in this movie I just thought were kind of annoying and disappointing.  In the end, though there were a couple of funny parts to it (I mean, you still can’t erase the fact that you do have Jane Lynch, Eugene Levy and Rick Gervais in the film) my brother and I both agreed this was not really worth money to see it in the movie theater or at home, it’s just kind of a long, boring, seemingly endless waste of time…$1

If you heart For Your Consideration:

Recommendations from …:
Waiting for Guffman
Bullets over Broadway
A Mighty Wind

All About Steve

All_about_steve_poster

is undoubtedly the worst movie I’ve watched this year and believe me I’ve watched some real abortions. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, The Ugly Truth, Fighting, Last Chance Harvey, The Unborn – these are all terrible just terrible films. But comparatively they were not excruciating. They were watchable.

Let’s say movies are analogous to stuff you might see on the street. Julie and Julia, a solid film out right now, would be a leafy, deciduous tree. Pretty and refreshing. District 9 would be like a Volvo Micro-Hybrid. Stunning and creative. Extract would be like seeing an old crush from High School that you’re surprised to see is now sort of fat. Sort of satisfying but not really . . . gripping. Fighting or The Ugly Truth would be kindly homeless men. Smelly and unpleasant. Maybe even an eyesore, but harmless.

All About Steve would be a piece of dog shit or doggie diarrhea. Not just reeking like hell but possibly will ruin both your shoes and your day.

Plastic surgery has not worked out well for Sandra Bullock. Her face is even more stiff and emotionless than the presidential masks the bank robbers wore in Point Break. She does look young but she also looks, well, odd. Like how Andy Milonakis looks young. Or like how a dwarf looks like a child from behind. You’re like wait, that isn’t right, or is it?

ALL ABOUT STEVE

Okay, joking aside, Sandra Bullock really isn’t that bad. It’s really more the writer’s and director’s fault. The actors are actually of very good quality – Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong and Bradley Cooper are all fine actors and they do what they can. But the problem was probably with the script. Though I did think the writer came up with some interesting locations to stage scenes, they usually went on for far too long. The dialogue is uncreative, unmoving and frequently confusing. There is not much of a plot or message.

The only mild compliment I can give the film is that it was not predictable. Though I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way. I mean that in the way a profoundly retarded child is unpredictable. Not knowing if he’s going to hug you in the next moment or fling a turd in your face. I prefer hugs. Unfortunately this movie is more turds than hugs.

Some Sandra Bullock fans will probably have to see this movie. I recommend a stiff drink before, and if possible during, the show . . . $1

I don’t think you will heart All About Steve but if you heart All About Steve:

Recommendations from DJ Cheata
Muriel’s Wedding
Little Miss Sunshine
Dumb and Dumber

Trailer: All About Steve

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