Beasts of No Nation

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Idris Elba.  You are one sick fuck.

For all you lazy ass movie lovers, you have no excuse.  This movie was released day in date with the theatrical release (only grossed about 90K in a one week limited run since all the big corporate theater overlords like Regal refused to show it…snobby bastards).  It’s been on Netflix since right after TIFF, in the fall, and the omission of Idris Elba in the acting category is obviously cuz #oscarssowhite.

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The little boy Abraham Attah in his breakout role is also commendable, and believable.  It took me a while to watch this movie, you gotta be in the right FIGHT-THE-SYSTEM-FUCK-THE-SYSTEM-FUCK-WAR-LET-ME-FEEL-TERRIBLE-FOR-ALL-THE-SHITTY-THINGS-HAPPENING-IN-THE-WORLD-ESP-FUCKING-CHILD-SOLDIERS mood, which can sometimes be hard to get into.  To prepare, I suggest watching a shit ton of Fox News and then afterwards unwinding by going to a Krav Maga session and writing to your local senator or writing a blog, whatever makes you feel like you are making a difference in the world.….$10 (but you’re so fortunate, it’s free on netflix!)

If you heart Beasts of No Nation

Recommendations from …:
Blood Diamond

Kony 2012
Kite Runner

 

 

Warm Bodies

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Lil Fatass: Did we really need another zombie movie?

Yolkie: Hell naw. but they were at least trying to do something different here.

LFA: Finish this sentence for me:  Warm Bodies is better than Twilight because…

Y: Because Twilight takes itself way too seriously.  Warm Bodies knows that zombies are stupid and need to be made fun of.  But the problem with both is that love conquers all.  That’s a problem.

LFA: The world of Warm Bodies is one of segregation and military dictatorship, is this a commentary on the war in Afghanistan?

Y: Very astute observation.   Terrorists just need to learn human love.  In order to do that, they need to befriend a human and then find a common enemy, like maybe a shark.

LFA: Dave Franco is very quietly becoming a big star.  Do you think this is warranted?

Y: Absolutely, my panties would hit the ground with a force greater than Thor.

LFA: The music in Warm Bodies seemed good, a little too good.

Y:  That depends who you are.  If you are a skinny white teenager it would be aces.

LFA: I just saw the Swedish House Mafia last night, it seems like if I was a zombie, that would be my zombie preference.

Y: I was there too, and I didn’t see many zombies there, maybe zero zombies.  Just a lot of 19 year old kids with furry hats and masks.

LFA: I had sex with a zombie.

Y: How was it?

LFA: The zombie butthole is looser than you might think.

LFA: Nicholas Hoult, better performance in Warm Bodies or A Single Man?

Y: A Single Man, but it’s hard compare because that movie so much better and so many fewer zombies.

LFA: I thought the last scene in the film was an allusion to Fight Club.

Y: Interesting, I thought that it was a reference to the Berlin Wall, with Bonies as the new Nazis and the zombies are like the homosexuals.

Werewolf Boy


Werewolf boy, I tried to love you.  Despite your stupid mute ways, I tried to see the beauty in your surprisingly unflawed face and glowing skin.  I was told you were hot hot HOT by my coworkers, Song Joong ki of the perfectly symmetrical features, but perhaps you are too, pre pubescent for my tastes.  Maybe as I have gotten older and realized that I could have given birth to you at least one time over (though not produced a baby with such perfect skin) that that is wrong on some level.  Or maybe I just think you are not really HOT, but maybe just symmetrical.  Like a round ball.  Or maybe I just grew frustrated with your stupidity.  I yelled at you several times in my head, saying GODDAMNIT why are you so stupid! but he can’t help it I know, because he is werewolf boy and doesn’t know any better.

블레이드 절대슬림이란 이런것! 얇고 강한 Lg xnote로 앞서가라!

블레이드 절대슬림이란 이런것! 얇고 강한 Lg xnote로 앞서가라! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Anyhow, unfortunately, your story has been told many times before, in many different renditions.  The only difference being the girl in this case was pretty much a colossal bitch and completely unrelateable and unlikeable.  I wanted to like you werewolf boy and the movie you were in, I wanted to support you and your brotherhood, but you just dragged on and on and on until I had to kill you.  I’m sorry werewolf boy, you are dead….$2

If you heart Werewolf Boy

Recommendations from ….:
Twilight Saga

The Craft
King Kong

Woody Allen’s To Rome With Love

Woody Allen has some greats, but this is not one of them. Unfortunately, with this talented cast of characters including Roberto Benini, Penelope Cruz, Alec Baldwin, Ellen Paige, Jesse Eisenberg, Judy Davis, and Woody Allen – was not enough to make a good movie.  There were four different story lines – all of them loosely connected – but none of them related to each other in any worthwhile way.  In fact, the only story line remotely interesting was the Baldwin/Eisenberg/Paige story.  The others served as non sequitur tangents that filled the time and space with some trivial, less-than-interesting stories.  Each one started with curious promise, but were ultimately failures.


Allen successfully told the Baldwin/Eisenberg/Paige story in an inventive, exciting way. I would have like to have seen more of Baldwin act as a seen/unseen moral compass. Somehow, Allen seamlessly placed an entire walking and talking, yet imaginary, Alec Baldwin into the lives of these young Americans living in Rome. Loved it.

Another well-done feat was placing all the stories in different time lines.  One story, involving a newly married couple starting out in Rome, had a story that ran the course of a day.  At the same time, it parallels another story, the young Americans living in Rome, that covers several weeks. The transition from story to story, despite the time leaps, was flawless.

Those were refreshing techniques in story-telling, but the actual stories themselves lacked substance. Overall, the movie was barely charming, easy enough to watch, but pretty forgetful. Not that funny either. Allen uses quite a bit of slap-stick humor that I can’t say was successful. Given the number of movies that Allen churns out, they can’t all work. This one does not. I do not recommend you spend any money watching it in the theaters… $5

If you heart To Rome With Love

Recommendations from Yolkie:
Happenstance

Melinda and Melinda
Paris, Je T’aime

My Way

 

From the Kang Jye Gyu, the director of Tae Guk Gi, comes another movie about war but also about friendship.

My way I watched at theater was sad. It was opening Korean movie. There were two protagonists in the movie, one protagonist’s name was Jun-shik who was Korean . And, the other was Tatsuo who was Japanese. First, the story began to face adversarial relationship between Korea and Japan. This story was about poor Korea that was powerless country such as it was not like country; therefore, Japan reigned over Koreans and Korea. Second, the protagonists treated adversarial each other because of their countries. I liked both main characters but they fought each other, or they were in competition continuously. Third, they were forced to go to many kinds of wars which were in China, The Soviet Union and Germany. As a result, the protagonists couldn’t go back to their countries, and they couldn’t meet their families. Finally, many major characters died in the war. In summary, in the beginning of the story two characters competed in run. Jun-shik was Korean representative of the runner, and Tatsuo was Japanese representative of the runner; moreover, Korea was under Japanese colonial rule at the time. And the story continued a many kinds of their wars. Anyway the story was heartbreaking.

Friends with Kids

Sometimes I need a movie like this to really motivate me into writing.  I saw it and I thought, the People need to know!!  The People being, two people who read this blog.  Myself being one of them, and I don’t even read it much.  Friends with Kids is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time.

Friends with Kids features a good chunk of the Bridesmaids cast including Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Maya Rudolph, and Chris O’Dowd, yet using none of their talented humor and charm.  Ed Burns and Megan Fox are beautiful props used to reveal the meaning of love. Writing/director/actor Jessica Westfeldt stars as a woman in her late-thirties who decides to have a baby with her best friend played by Adam Scott.  They decide to irreverently have the baby, while cleverly evading the calamities of marriage that have befallen their friends (see Bridemaids cast) – or so they think… dun dun dun!

Westfeldt wrote this story thinking she was creating a clever twist in modern day romance.  But this love story has been written – so many times. It’s akin to writing a love story about star-crossed lovers, but replacing the boy with a goat to spice up the story.

The result – absolutely conventional and boring.  I was cringing at the complete lack of effort placed in this story.  Westfeldt desperately tries to create an edgy story, but ultimately, traditional values of monogamy, true love, and family win out anyways.  Surprise, surprise… $2

If you heart Friends with Kids

Recommendations from Yolkie:
Kissing Jessica Stein

Friends with Money
Knocked Up

Coming Soon: Moonrise Kingdom

Yolkie is looking forward to: Moonrise Kingdom

Wes Anderson and Roman Coppola’s latest looks just incredible (Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums).  I can’t help it.  It looks exactly as you’d expect a Wes Anderson movie to be, but the obscurity and hilarity is somehow still fresh and stimulating.  I have no doubt it will have a lot of heart and belly-laughing.  To name a few of the stars: Edward Norton, Bill Murray, Bruce Willis, Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand, Harvey Keitel, and Jason Schwartzman.

US Release Date: February 17, 2012

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