Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis’s Machete

Damn dis movie wiz da bomb!!!! First I wuz like what da hail Danny Trejo you old as fuck! What are you – like ninety? You don’t need a machete you need a food processor cuz you prolly have no more fuckin teeth son. But then he started slicing muthafuckers and I was like okay this Mexican can still make moves man. He be dodging all varieties of honkeyz in this movie from redneck KKKs (Don Johnson) to rich-ass political (Robert De Niro) to Steven Seagull (some kind of half-Chink assassin I don’t know). Especially in this final showdown against Seagull – that Injun got his belly poked through like a BBQ skewer son. And he could barely feel that shit! I was like damn you muthafuckaz copied Monty Python and the Holy Grail fuckin hangers-on muthafuckers. It was still cool though becauze with the knife all inbred in his belly, Seagull committed Seppuku – the Japanese art of suicide.

The other thingz was bitches be getting hella stripped in this movie ya’ll. And all up ons Danny Trejo’s penis bacon or should I say chorizo. There’s this scene where Lindsay Lohan, her moms, and Danny Trejo are all up in a swimming pool drinking hella Patron and fucking each other and videotaping the whole thing. And when Lindsay Lohan showed her titties I was like damn Fez you wuz a lucky muthafucker man and I’ll bet you still strokin it off to that. And that wasn’t even the hottest shit in the movie cuz! Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, these fine-ass nurses – by the end every dude in the theater was holding his dick in his hands. Until Cheech got his ass crucified which wuz a major boner killer. I didn’t want to see him go out like that G I shed a little tear.

So also there were parts of this movie that sucked cat nutz but it wuz like they meant it to be that way. I was like why you make yur movie suckz on purpose player that shit is like lying to your own brain. But the political messages about wetbacks crossing the border and Texan vigilantes – that shit is for real though. Because I know hella Latinos without papers and they are still good people though. They drive kind of slow but that’s okay. Stay up my Chicano bruthaz!! Better than those Enron muthafuckers trying to pillage our shit and that dirty Jew Bernie Madoff. This movie will get to the heart and is bawler son!!! . . . $6

If you heart Machete:

Recommendations by DJ Gun-Ray
Black Snake Moan
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Nimrod Antal’s Predators

O Machete! Your trailer stole the show! I could barely think about Predators after seeing that. O Danny Trejo! You died so immediately in this one! Did you ask them to write you out so you could go film Machete? Smart move.

O Predators! Your director’s name is “Nimrod.” I’m sure you knew that. I don’t want to judge. I see an accent mark. It could be a perfectly legit name in other countries. But what was in your mind a year ago when you were signing all your faith and money over to a guy called “Nimrod?” Did that make you feel good? Feel like a good equal-opportunities employer now?

Nimrod aside, you are a better effort than the last brick in the Predator franchise (AVP). Though it is difficult to put a finger on why you were better. I think the race element has a lot to do with it. With a film as racially diverse as this (including two separate races of Predator) it becomes very pleasurable trying to predict the order of the slayings. Who next will be liquefied via lasers? The Russian? The Black guy? Who next will be impaled on a spear and paraded around? Who could predict the Mexican would be the first to go? Usually it’s the Asian. Though the film’s most popular Jew (played by Adrien Brody) makes it to the end – no surprises there.

I think your second most pleasurable element is your caricature of the convict. He really looks the part. I like that he wore his orange, prison jumpsuit to the jungle. I like that his weapon of choice is the shiv (not to mention he effectively uses said shiv to shank down a Predator). And I think his darkly comedic dialogue was easily the most skillfully written. Most skillfully? Well if not skill at least that written with the most flair. See convict saying (to paraphrase), “If I ever get ‘outta here I’m ‘gonna rape so many fine bitches.”

Has anyone else asked you about Laurence Fishburne? For instance how someone who has been scavenging on a treacherous, Predator game preserve remains so chunky? Sort of an inconsistency, don’t you think? Laurence – you have really let yourself go since Morpheus. Are you bulking up for something? Maybe to play Chubby Checker in a biopic? Chubby Checker – it’s just a name. Not actually that chubby. Are you and Val Kilmer teaming up to do a feature-length presentation of “The Biggest Loser?” Otherwise you baffle me.

Predators you are nothing new to cinema. But that doesn’t mean you won’t make someone a very nice video game someday . . . $3

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