Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Do not fret. You are not the worst I’ve seen this year. Sex and the City 2 was much worse. So much less a movie than you. At least you did not spend all your money on hats and slow-motion photography. At least you have a cast! And what a cast – Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Jake Gyllenhaal. You could have done much worse. I got a lot of pleasure pondering over why would such talented people sign on for this movie – the conclusion I arrived at was money. Was it money? I knew it.

But Gemma Arterton is actually one of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen in my life. I think you knew that. To not have been aware of her beauty would be to accuse you of a mental handicap. I do not think you are mentally handicapped. You get a little ridiculous at times. You fling some mud around. You throw some ostriches in there for what seems like no good reason. But there were good moments too. For instance where the king gets immolated in his robe like an enormous cigar. Good job on that!

It’s true you are nothing special. You are no Citizen Kane. You are exceedingly mediocre. D+ student. You are the iHop of fine dining. Still, you are no Sex in the City 2 and that is something to rejoice over. You are not wholly tragic. If there were only two movies in the world – you and Sex in the City 2 – you would be the greatest movie in the world. Think of that! Lucky for us, there are many more movies in the world to choose from . . . $2

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