All About Steve


is undoubtedly the worst movie I’ve watched this year and believe me I’ve watched some real abortions. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, The Ugly Truth, Fighting, Last Chance Harvey, The Unborn – these are all terrible just terrible films. But comparatively they were not excruciating. They were watchable.

Let’s say movies are analogous to stuff you might see on the street. Julie and Julia, a solid film out right now, would be a leafy, deciduous tree. Pretty and refreshing. District 9 would be like a Volvo Micro-Hybrid. Stunning and creative. Extract would be like seeing an old crush from High School that you’re surprised to see is now sort of fat. Sort of satisfying but not really . . . gripping. Fighting or The Ugly Truth would be kindly homeless men. Smelly and unpleasant. Maybe even an eyesore, but harmless.

All About Steve would be a piece of dog shit or doggie diarrhea. Not just reeking like hell but possibly will ruin both your shoes and your day.

Plastic surgery has not worked out well for Sandra Bullock. Her face is even more stiff and emotionless than the presidential masks the bank robbers wore in Point Break. She does look young but she also looks, well, odd. Like how Andy Milonakis looks young. Or like how a dwarf looks like a child from behind. You’re like wait, that isn’t right, or is it?


Okay, joking aside, Sandra Bullock really isn’t that bad. It’s really more the writer’s and director’s fault. The actors are actually of very good quality – Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong and Bradley Cooper are all fine actors and they do what they can. But the problem was probably with the script. Though I did think the writer came up with some interesting locations to stage scenes, they usually went on for far too long. The dialogue is uncreative, unmoving and frequently confusing. There is not much of a plot or message.

The only mild compliment I can give the film is that it was not predictable. Though I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way. I mean that in the way a profoundly retarded child is unpredictable. Not knowing if he’s going to hug you in the next moment or fling a turd in your face. I prefer hugs. Unfortunately this movie is more turds than hugs.

Some Sandra Bullock fans will probably have to see this movie. I recommend a stiff drink before, and if possible during, the show . . . $1

I don’t think you will heart All About Steve but if you heart All About Steve:

Recommendations from DJ Cheata
Muriel’s Wedding
Little Miss Sunshine
Dumb and Dumber

Trailer: All About Steve

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