Thor

Thor wasn’t going to be worth writing about.  Then I found out that numb nuts at Rotten Tomatoes gave this piece of shit 78%.  That means it was actually “fresh”.  The horror! I didn’t want to write a review because the list of failures in this movie would be too exhausting and a bit trite.  The negativity I bring to these reviews is tiring. I blame Rotten Tomatoes for this one – they FORCED me to write this one with that damned rating.

Cast and Acting
Chris Hemsworth as Thor was a terrible mistake.  He must have sucked some dick to get that role.  How could he get past any auditions with that silly voice?  Why are you talking like that!?  You sound like prepubescent boy trying out his “large man” voice in a school production of King Lear.  I don’t even know what Thor is supposed to be like in the comics, but I know what bad acting looks like – and Hemsworth displays it without shame.  The combination of writing and Hemsworth resulted in an entirely uninteresting hero with weak-ass superpowers.

Thor’s brother, Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t have been so bad, except that some doofus make-up artist decided to make him look like Snape.  The evil-brother-role was a little bit over-done with the cancer-pale skin tone and jet black greasy hair – especially in comparison to the brazen golden locks of Thor.  Ya make it kinda obvious where the plot is going.  Nothing to say about Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, and Kat Dennings – waste of talent on this movie, but they neither made the movie better or worse off.

Story line
None to speak of.  There’s a pathetic love story that’s got no heart, but who watches an action movie for plot? It’s all about the action. So… see below.

Action
Action sequences were awful! He’s got a fucking hammer that he throws! I didn’t even know what superpowers he had – that definitely needed explanation. While he seemed to be pretty strong and had this awesome hammer, he could also generate weather or something? But he couldn’t do shit without that stupid hammer – so lame. THEN, there was this action scene that really drove me nuts.

***** Spoiler Alert! *****

Okay, now that you’ve been warned about the spoiler.  Thor almost dies by the backhand slap of a robot.  Absolutely no fighting foreplay. Thor just steps up to the robot and tries to persuade the robot with some words.  BAM! Backhand slap knocks him off the feet, left to die.  Somewhere and somehow, Thor’s heart miraculously changes (like a scene from Beauty and the Beast) and this hammer comes to save him.

Visual Appeal

If the movie has shitty actors, a shitty plot, and shitty action – I would at LEAST think it would have some stunning visual effects.  Right?  NO!  You will get nothing cause this movie is worthless.  The ugly CGI hurt my eyes and the costume design was cheesy (again, reminding me of a school play)… $0

I’ve never seen these movies, but they also seem like terrible action movies, so you might like them.  Yolkie’s Recommendations:
Daredevil
Elektra
Hulk 

Side commentary about movies today.  While I was on Rotten Tomatoes checking out the rating for Thor, I got a glimpse at the top box office hits in our nation.

77% Thor $65.7M
78% Fast Five $32.4M
52% Jumping the Broom $15.2M
15% Something Borrowed $13.9M
72% Rio $8.5M
59% Water for Elephants $6.1M
41% Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family $4.2M
51% Soul Surfer $2.3M
40% Prom $2.2M
11% Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs Evil $2.0M
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Your Highness

Fresh off an Oscar nomination for James Franco and Oscar win for Natalie Portman, both, alongside Danny McBride from the hilarious mini-series Eastbound and Down, star in the newest Universal comedy, Your Highness, and exemplify how you can pick a great movie one day and your next can be a total, utter dud.  This was the worst movie I have seen in theaters in a really really really really long time.  The only reason I sat in my seat and stayed for the entire thing is literally so I could give a completely objective opinion on this blog and check if there were any redeeming parts to the movie.  There weren’t.

Have you ever seen a comedy where you were just dumbfounded because you couldn’t figure out what was funny and the entire audience had scattered nervous giggles because people are just so uncomfortable?  yup, that was us yesterday.

Question: When did rape and child molestation become something that was funny? Oh, never, that’s right.  Ok, I’m actually totally a fan of some forms of shock humor, Sarah Silverman, for example, I think is hilarious though a lot of people find her offensive.  This movie was just not funny, not well written, and not even that well executed.

To give credit where credit is due, I felt that the main cast did as much as they could with what they were given.  They just didn’t have that much to work with.  Which I completely puzzled by because Danny McBride was one of the executive producers.  Danny!  You’re so funny in Eastbound and Down!  What happened?  Did you have some deep intestinal pain, a hernia perhaps, that pained you so much that you couldn’t channel your inner funny man?  Were you so high and wasted that you didn’t bother checking to see if your comedy was actually funny?  Did anyone actually read the script before joining this cursed mess?  I just completely do not understand what happened, how so much fell through the cracks with such a palate of talented actors…$1

You likely won’t heart Your Highness but in the spirit of providing recommendations

Recommendations from …:
Pineapple Express
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Stuck on you

Black Swan

Take it from a girl who’s gone through the shit storm of the ballet world – this movie is amaaaazingly accurate! Not that it had much competition. The only other two ballet movies people know are pretty retarded. The Red Shoes is so old its biggest selling point was the movie had technicolor. I mean, it’s right there in the freakin title. The storyline didn’t exactly stand the test of time: the ginger has to choose between her love for a man and her love for dancing. When, tell me, when has that ever been an actual choice in the history of the universe? Before I moved to New York to start auditioning, I took the $35 left in my boyfriend’s wallet and the keys to his truck. Easiest decision of my life. The only other ballet movie people know is that Neve Campbell one directed by Robert Altman, The Company. I know you didn’t watch it, so I won’t pretend I did either. What is Neve Campbell doing today? Scream 4? — And that Altman guy? Deader than the nerve endings of my big toes.

Black Swan is about a super princessy ballet dancer played by Natalie Portman who has been waiting since way before her first period to get the lead role in Swan Lake. She’s got the swan embroidered throw pillows on her baby pink sheets to prove it. You’d think this is exactly the kind of girl I would hate, but the movie uses Portman to show exactly how much ballerinas give up to be great artists. Portman still lives with her family, doesn’t go out unless to find inspiration for her dancing, and never ever eats cake. Those are pretty good rules to live by if you need to save your pennies in this economy. Me? I’m living with eleven other ballerinas in a loft full of bunk beds and every day I pick up a clump of hair in the drain that you would swear came out of a dying cat. Granted, Natalie Portman isn’t a real dancer so behind all that MTV editing the technique is just so-so, but the girl did “train” ten months to get her rib cage to pop out like that. All those shots of her hovering over a toilet must have been real easy to get. Aspiring dancers looking to fit into a smaller leotard should really pay attention; its all about frequency, girls.

The real conflict of the movie comes when Portman realizes that in order to play the Swan Queen she has to become a bitch. Otherwise, the other women in the movie – rival Mila Kunis, overbearing mom Barbara Hershey – are gonna seriously out-bitch her. Unfortunately the only person around to support Portman’s realization is her director played by Vincent Cassel. This is Cassel resurrected from La Haine, except instead of waving a gun around, this time Cassel is intimidating exclusively with his dick. To complete her transformation into bitchdom on stage, Portman needs to both want dick and fear it. The movie is no slouch about reminding you what is important. If Portman’s crotch or boobs aren’t in the shot, you can bet a big spandex bulge will be. There is just so much dick wagging in this movie, they finally had to include a hot lesbian sex scene in there just to balance it all out. That was cool with me. Everyone goes through a phase, yeah? Point is, Portman overcomes both dick and boobs and becomes the best she can be!!!

I really hope that this movie inspires a lot of little girls out there that ballet is a really really cool thing to dedicate your life to. The younger generation needs to understand that obsession is the only way to get anywhere ultimately. You can ignore a lot of the ending of the movie when things go wrong for the poor girl. Like all good ballet, if you take away all the clothes, make-up, pain, trauma, and metaphor, it’s just about girls having a good time, all the time. See ya at auditions, ladies! — $10

xoxo — tiaragirl1991


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