Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis’s Machete

Damn dis movie wiz da bomb!!!! First I wuz like what da hail Danny Trejo you old as fuck! What are you – like ninety? You don’t need a machete you need a food processor cuz you prolly have no more fuckin teeth son. But then he started slicing muthafuckers and I was like okay this Mexican can still make moves man. He be dodging all varieties of honkeyz in this movie from redneck KKKs (Don Johnson) to rich-ass political (Robert De Niro) to Steven Seagull (some kind of half-Chink assassin I don’t know). Especially in this final showdown against Seagull – that Injun got his belly poked through like a BBQ skewer son. And he could barely feel that shit! I was like damn you muthafuckaz copied Monty Python and the Holy Grail fuckin hangers-on muthafuckers. It was still cool though becauze with the knife all inbred in his belly, Seagull committed Seppuku – the Japanese art of suicide.

The other thingz was bitches be getting hella stripped in this movie ya’ll. And all up ons Danny Trejo’s penis bacon or should I say chorizo. There’s this scene where Lindsay Lohan, her moms, and Danny Trejo are all up in a swimming pool drinking hella Patron and fucking each other and videotaping the whole thing. And when Lindsay Lohan showed her titties I was like damn Fez you wuz a lucky muthafucker man and I’ll bet you still strokin it off to that. And that wasn’t even the hottest shit in the movie cuz! Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, these fine-ass nurses – by the end every dude in the theater was holding his dick in his hands. Until Cheech got his ass crucified which wuz a major boner killer. I didn’t want to see him go out like that G I shed a little tear.

So also there were parts of this movie that sucked cat nutz but it wuz like they meant it to be that way. I was like why you make yur movie suckz on purpose player that shit is like lying to your own brain. But the political messages about wetbacks crossing the border and Texan vigilantes – that shit is for real though. Because I know hella Latinos without papers and they are still good people though. They drive kind of slow but that’s okay. Stay up my Chicano bruthaz!! Better than those Enron muthafuckers trying to pillage our shit and that dirty Jew Bernie Madoff. This movie will get to the heart and is bawler son!!! . . . $6

If you heart Machete:

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Black Snake Moan
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery