Samuel L. Jackson’s African Cats

Awh shit say whut? Yo Afrikan Kats is bawler yo! Theez Lionz and Cheatas and Leotards and shit is just like real people! First a all, this girl lion, called Nilla or something, had a babygirl she called Mara. She gotz that from fucking this ugly mothafuckin lion called The Fangs. The Fangs was fucking all kinds of bitches in his hey day like I think about nine of them, I sort a lost count. That wuz pretty pimp cuz they were all sisters too, twins! So it wuz kinky as shit! Pretty kinky orgy going down in those high bushes.

Anyway Nilla was taking Mari down to the mud flap to drink and this alligator roze up like, “what’s up muthafuckas?! You know how I do down at this watering ho!” And they was like, “Oh shit!!” So The Fangs had to step up, be like, “I’ll smoke you nigga. Big, mothafuckin Jabroni scrub mothafucka.” And eventually the gator wuz like, “yo you prolly all taste like shit anyway – face!”

Meanwhile this otha cat called Cali was like, “Damn! I gotta get a piece a that!” So he had hella posse and he rolled up all heavy and shit, “The Fangs, you Bogarting all tha punani playa.” And then he tried a rape those bitches. And then he made this mean-ass face and tha music got all evil and shit. And The Fangs bounced like, “Oh shit, I don’t even know who those bitches are, peace out!!” And girl lionz had to step up and rectify that shit nigga. Like, “Ya’ll think you can eat our babies? R Babies? Foot in yr asses!” But then Nilla got killed yo. And I cried like, “What?!” and threw my popcorn on the floor like word up you know what I saying.

Anyhow part 2 and Cali eventually does eat all their babies and basically fucks all of The Fang’s old ladies. He was dancing hella sweat. And after that he was pimpin North Side, South Side, like pay up, pay up niggas. Eventually Mara was let back into the pride, she just had to let Cali fuck her. That’s how that nigga rollz.

Anyhow the shit mos def amazing about Afrika’s Kats is about when you think about those niggas who went out to film this shit yo. I mean they got everythang!! Niggas had these crash close-ups of The Fangs ballz yo. You be like, were you under hiz ballz player? How’d you get that nutsack shot? Or this one scene where Cali is boning down player on all a The Fang’s hos and Cali wuz like, “Scuse me one second” and he went to take a shit, he was hella mud butt! And I wuz like damn! You mothafuckas waited in the high grass and shit and snakes like 9 hourz so you could a get Cali taking a shit – you crazy!

And how did they know their names?!! Like theez lionz they got names like Kalifa and Rodney and Marmet and all that, son. These niggas got deep into the bush on this 1. And the narrator seemed bawler yo. I think he wuz that nigga in Deep Blue C that got ate!! Yo takeaway point is if you liked The Lion King you should def. watch this shit hear. It’s basically the live-action sequel . . . $5

If you heart Samuel L. Jackson’s African Cats:

Recommendations by Gun-Ray
What’s Up, Tiger Lily?
The Adventures of Milo and Otis
The Lion King

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The Fan’s Guide to Avoiding Movies that Suck Eggs and Shelling Out the $5 for Movies that Will Make Your Day

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