The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

O Eclipse! Why waste my breath on you? Bad reviews will not slow you down – you are a unstoppable! You are a juggernaut of pre-adolescent fantasy and gray makeup. You have posed the question – how will art fare on the market if you severely restrict the capacity for intellectual stimulation? And the retarded hordes of romance-starved women have answered the call! How calculating you are. How many monkeys and how many typewriters did you employ?

Dear Bella! How disappointed you will be when you discover that Edward can’t achieve a chubby. How you must have dreamed of doing battle with that chubby! Slaying the chubby night after night! But the dragon has long been dead. He is decomposing. How long and melancholy your wedding night will be. Were you convinced there was another reason he could not have vampire babies? Did you think he was shooting blanks? Did you think you would become a barren woman? Those would be favorable scenarios. Alas, the man only enjoys coming in his pants. Perhaps if your vagina was on his leg you could work something out. But no such luck.

It crossed my mind the Twilight Saga will become that series that people watch twenty years from now ironically – for their very badness. And in that scenario, you with your syphilitic army of newborn vampires has achieved a camp value beyond the previous two. But until you age into something palatable you are merely boring . . . $2

New Moon

New Moon was hardly watchable and I almost didn’t get through it.  I once heard Edward Cullen looked like he was jizzing in his pants every time he kissed Bella, I couldn’t get that out of my head.  I don’t blame this person for instilling this image in my head. I blame Edward Cullen. The anguish and desperation of their love is completely unbelievable, therefore, those pained kisses are nothing short of ridiculousness. Look, I didn’t walk into this movie with any expectations, I didn’t expect a delivery of any decent romance. But still… will you marry me? That’s just about the worst ending I could have possibly imagined. And there are a lot of possibilities for terrible endings.

There are many reasons why New Moon is even more unbearable than Twilight. Bella proved to be more unlikeable, still blinking too much, and still undeserving of everyone’s love.  Since she has no qualities to appreciate, except for some silly angst that might resemble mystery to some, it’s hard to understand the possibility for any meaningful connection to anyone else.  Jacob’s transformation into a sullen boy with deep secrets is not only hard to believe, it’s just fucking repetitive. Didn’t we already have this conversation with Edward? What ELSE do you got? Even still, I feel sorry for him and Bella is a heartless wanker.  I’m neither Team Jacob or Team Edward. I’d rather stick pencils in my ears…$3

If you heart New Moon:

Recommendations from Yolkie
Lost Boys
Notebook
The Craft
An American Werewolf in Paris
Edward Scissorhands
Harry Potter

Recommendations from DJ Cheata
Powder
City of Angels
Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans

Trailer: New Moon